tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3529013496596280922024-02-07T19:52:55.635-05:00AutodidactpoetAutodidact: (n) a self-taught person. Poet: (n) a person who writes poetry.
Autodidactpoet: (n) A blog full of thoughts from a self-taught writer.Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.comBlogger332125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-33408796342968553682017-05-06T22:28:00.001-04:002017-05-21T00:18:10.611-04:00Woman Body<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body knows Spanx, push-up
bras, and high-heeled shoes are designed to keep us small.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Knows women used to
faint on couches from corsets strangling breath.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body knows we
have always survived on less: less oxygen, less stability, less money, less
space, less rights, less </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
of our own bodies.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body knows wage
gap, knows "how old are you anyway?"</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
knows "but you
aren't the real doctor, right?" knows "all you women are just the
same"</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
knows research ideas
stolen and executed, knows </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
man got the praise,
knows woman body said it first. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body knows "you
tell my wife I'm the man and she will do what I say with my children." </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body knows female
bodies bruised. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body makes friends
with security guard. Feels finger on panic
button in her sleep some days.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body will never be the loudest voice. Resorts to being most insistent; woman body
learns to say no and forgets to cover her ass first. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body finds
boundaries, learns she's being "unreasonable,"</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
might have to say yes
anyway.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body walks down
the street.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body wears jeans,
wears skirt, wears sweatpants, wears yoga pants, wears...</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body hears
"hey Baby, where you goin'?"</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
hears, "you wanna
come in and fuck?"</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
hears, "smile Sweetie. Aren't you gonna smile for me?"</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
hears, "why you
not answering me?"</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
hears,
"bitch"</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
hears, "cunt,"</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
hears...</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body keeps
walking.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body knows wings
clipped and pinned to brick like</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
butterfly to shadow
box. Knows purple crocus blossoming
where fingers lay;</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
woman body cannot write
angry metaphors.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body makes them
beautiful, </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
woman body knows
they're not, </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
woman body tries
anyway.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body doesn't know
what to eat anymore. Woman body starving not for food.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body does not
know which women to look to; woman body lost.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body wants a mother;
woman body, own mother.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body knows
shame. Knows small. Knows to take up less </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
space to make you more
comfortable. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body wonders what
space feels like without </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
too much. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body stands
outside at night,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
chest to heaven, breathing
in expanse of sky.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body does not
imagine herself astronaut.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Does not become planet,
moon, or cloud.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body is star. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body is small on
the ground but science knows</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
she is ball of power
and light.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
When you know her she has
already died but </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
continued existing for light
years, she</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
expanded out beyond her
unsmall body, this</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
woman body knows how to
survive anyway.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body knows to survive
anyway. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body survive
anyway.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Woman body survive</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
anyway.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-4327083268229143292017-03-05T14:31:00.000-05:002017-03-05T18:07:48.105-05:00A History in Music<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><u>A History in Music</u></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">What if the songs we hear become
pieces of us?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">When we love them hard enough,
notes become dislodged, float<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">inside our bodies and stick in
our<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">hearts or lungs, we<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">embody those notes and each time
we hear the song again it's like<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">a puzzle finding it's missing
piece: something we<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">didn't know we were missing snaps
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">into place and for that 3 minutes
and 29 seconds we <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">are something like complete.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">is for the notes<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">of every song I've ever sung that
are <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">waiting to be breathed again;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">and this is for all the notes
still waiting out<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">in the beautiful not yet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It's bedtime and I am 5 years
old.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My sister and I go into our
bedroom and switch out the cassette from the tape player<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">exchanging soothing ocean sounds for
Disney's Greatest Hits.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Dad comes in, says goodnight,
turns out the light, presses "play" and "The Wonderful Thing About
Tiggers" fills the bedroom as my sister and I howl with laughter, hopping
in our beds. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">There were no ocean sounds in our
bedroom that night,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">but at 5, music filled my body
with wiggles I could not suppress.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I'm 8 and have discovered my father's
record collection.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">In the basement, my sister and I
don fancy dress-up clothes and turn on Jim Croce's <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Bad Bad Leroy Brown"
while flipping our skirts and dancing wildly around the floor. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">In that moment, I felt myself simultaneously
beautiful and talented and also <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">hilarious and a little naughty dancing
to this song I did not understand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">At 11, I was practically a piano
virtuoso...according to me. I played<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">and played and played those songs
until I never had to open a book.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I lost myself in the embodying of
those notes, played them again and<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">again until my mother would yell,
"Give it a rest, Laur," <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">and I would slink to my bedroom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I have always been a poet. I want the lyrics<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">to wrap themselves around me: as
a teenager, I would crawl inside<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">and find myself a home inside the
words. I left<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">pieces of history in those songs that
still smell like <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">summer camp, swimming pools,
dressing rooms, college dorms,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">car trips, alcohol, and regret. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Large pieces of me can be found
on CDs I burned and listened to until<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">their rhythm became the pace of
my day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This is for the music of the not
yet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">For the love and laughter, grief
and heartache<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">waiting to be heard, to be sung,
to be played<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">until everyone around me begs me
to <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">give it a rest.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This is for knowing the world in
us as the only song.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">For the music of magic creating
vast vibration of<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">beautiful in us; this is for the
songs we sing off-key in our kitchen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">For the lyrics we remember wrong
- or never hear right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">For the ones that speak to our
souls and never leave us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This is for the music we make <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">with our tongues, our feet, our
hands,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">for the beat of our hearts
keeping time with our<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">rests, our melodies, our<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">cacophonies of words we try to
smooth like symphonies:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">you untamed, wild song.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Hold the microphone of your life
to your lips that we<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">may ever hear your vital
blossoming of lyric, you<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">unfolding explosion; let us <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">breathe our harmonies into your
bloodstream -- <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">listen...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">can you hear it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">is the sound of the world in us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It is the song of all the music
that is<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">living in you. It is<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">the harmony of all the songs</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">you have not yet sung.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-5238643804818593912017-01-09T00:11:00.001-05:002017-01-29T00:10:29.886-05:00Underbelly<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
Sometimes </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
the poem is born from the
</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
underbelly where the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
fire lies.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
I will</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
write from the
place where</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
broken turns broken</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
open like too much
becomes over-</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
flowing like</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
river like</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
can't
contain this </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
could never
contain this, like</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
tried to tame this</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
tried to train this</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
tried to good girl this</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
truth, this human, this</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
woman out of me, like -- </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
I am learning to</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
breathe this body. Learning to</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
move to</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
unsmall myself,
learning to</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
expand. You may not</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
chain me: I am</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
untethered,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
frightened and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
flying. I am</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
everything you fear and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
living in this broken,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
holy body, I will </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
risk </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
the blossom of this</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
too much, this</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
intensity</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
this</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
truth-stained, battered</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
transparent heart of a
body is</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
all I have and I will<br />
rely on her for she is</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
fierce. You may not</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
convince me</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
otherwise and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
my heart will </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
believe
these words. Sheds</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
tears to believe these
words, it took me</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
years to remember how </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
to pull my
tear ducts</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
open but now I let old<br />
pieces of myself fall like</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
stars: hope-filled and </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
sad, yet </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
beautiful in the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
dark.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
God, make me fierce </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
enough to hold this
holy</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
boldness. Turn me vast and </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
spacious: unleash in me
a wondering</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
furious love to keep me</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
moving </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
fighting </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
wanting </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
speaking.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Here. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-11122517595921365182017-01-02T23:52:00.001-05:002017-01-03T00:00:00.129-05:00A New Year Poem in 3 Acts<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
I.<i> Resolutions<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Sometimes I wonder about
the cost of being human.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
I wonder if I made a
covenant with a divine </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
being I have since forgotten
</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
to pay on this ride; I
wonder if I</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
am pulling my weight.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
I
could make a resolution.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
Everyone
could make a resolution.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
We
could all make resolutions like I will: </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
<i>lose 20 pounds and eat more
vegetables<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
or <i>give to charity and volunteer for the homelessanimalshelterfoodpantry<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
or <i>beabetterperson who doesbetterthings and thinksbetterthoughts.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
It
would not be wrong and many will do it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
I
could make a resolution.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
<i>Promise </i>is a synonym for resolution.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
As are
<i>oath </i>/ <i>pledge / purpose --<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
this
is no small matter in a world of the </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
uncompromising
splendor and </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
terror
we</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
live,
enable, unmask.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
A synonym for resolute is <i>stubborn</i>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
So are
<i>determined / unwavering </i>/ <i>definite -- <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
there
is power in this, </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
the
living, the marching rising lifting hearing speaking yelling falling and </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
rising
again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; tab-stops: 70.65pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
I do not love the
coming of the year.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
When more in me feels
old than new and </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
change hangs like a pendulum
swinging without </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
gravity or physics,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
resolutions surround that
may/not be of consequence </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
and the weight of the
unresolved shifts like earth</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
quake: break me open. Make me</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
thunderous and messy in
my</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
shaking, challenge me
to be dis-</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
comforted, up-rooted
and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
growing. Unquiet my heart and light a</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
fire to burn my too
soft edges -- the world is precious and I am </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
stubborn.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Let me learn to pay the
cost of being human in </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
raw, determined love: </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
this promise is one I must
continually learn</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
to keep.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
II. <i>Revelations<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
New Year <i>"beginning again" </i>is not my</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
target: growth is too
hard</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
won to aim for beginning</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
anew, roll that clock </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
onward, I am standing </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
under the dripping</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
faucet of faith,
waiting for </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
no one: I am my own</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Godot. And aren't I </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
dangerous? Aren't I a
woman to be </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
feared as I dare</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
revelations of my own</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
worth? </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
III. <i>Revolutions<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
In astronomy, natural objects
in space are </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>heavenly bodies.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Although no one says
it,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
we celebrate the New
Year because our</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
heavenly body completed
one</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
full cycle around
another heavenly</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
body and those cycles
are </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
revolutions.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Quiet, unassuming amid
our</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
fireworks and ball
drops, the </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
heavenly body heaves
herself to home plate </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
without a sigh of
derision, the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
gravity of this
revolutionary</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
love literally holding
us all</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
here, we </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
human bodies crack</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
under both weight and </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
weightlessness, we know
</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
revolution</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
is the key for our
survival</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
revolution</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
is making it home when they tried to end you<br />
revolution<br />
is holding it all in love, and anger, and fear, </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
revolution</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
is the will to keep your</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
heavenly body </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
cycling.</div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-12360010156887772072016-12-27T00:43:00.002-05:002016-12-27T00:50:15.566-05:00Small<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>Small</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
There are so many ways
of dying to </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
believe yourself alive.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Bottles meet lips</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
fists meet wall</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
blades meet skin</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
food meets mouth - or
doesn't - </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
fingers move to back of
throat.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
And when I wake, my
body begs me </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
for a second chance.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Always too small and
too</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
large for this world, I
have only ever wanted to</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
bring myself to life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
To breathe inside this skin
without</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
the ghosts who try to
live here:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
there is a constricting
spaciousness in silence that </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
shrinks me smaller
until I am </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
nothing - this physical
body is too large,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
takes up </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
too much</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
space --</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
this place of small is</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
familiar and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
gives the ghosts the
space they need to</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
inhabit this too-much,
this</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
not-enough, this -- </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
I wonder if </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
impossibility </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
is the only way I know
to love myself.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Wonder if the only way
I can be small</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
enough is by not</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
speaking, </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
ridding myself
of heart or</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
brain or</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
body, I let the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
ghosts fill my empty
spaces. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
There are so many ways
of dying to</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
keep yourself alive.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Shaking voice forms truths too </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
holy for silence, too</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
holy for speaking.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Coded tongues drop
words from</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
bitten lips:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
oh, Impossible One --</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
there is courage here</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
even when<br />
everything </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
shatters.</div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-83525216237778976602016-12-13T00:00:00.000-05:002016-12-13T00:01:48.677-05:00The one with all the signs<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Lately, I find myself feeling as though I am
standing on the edge of a precipice. In
many ways, I feel I have spent a long time standing on such ledges, looking
over, and out, and down, and wondering how and where I would be going
next. I have spent so much time
frightened and unsure, and convincing myself that I am strong, and present, and
brave. It was January 2014 that I first
made the intention to myself to be brave. While I told myself that intention was only a
year, that intention never left. That word has
been <i>my word </i>for three years. How desperately I have tried to learn it, to
move into it, to embrace it. How often
it has exhausted me, pushed me past what was healthy or right. And how I have also <i>lived </i>that word. I have
lived every ounce of life out of that word in these three years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And I know that because it is no longer my
word. As I was driving yesterday, I was
realizing how small the word sounds to me now.
In the face of the battles I have fought this year, in the face of the
battles we as a nation are moving into, in the face of the questions that are
rising in me, the word "brave" is simply no longer large enough. The trepidation and anxiety and resolution I
used to feel within that word are gone.
It is just a word, now, tapped of the power it once held. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I arrived on this thought in a roundabout way: I was
thinking about poetry, and about words, and about my favorite word. My favorite word is "vast" because
it is such a small word that sounds so large, just like its meaning. It creates this enormity of space in my chest
when I say it that makes me feel like I blend with the universe in all its
exquisite vastness. (I love the word
exquisite, too, because it sounds like fancy curlicues. And this is why I'm a poet). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Anyhow, this led me to feel this....this feeling of
being on the precipice. I am applying
for a leadership conference and one of the three essay questions is <i>"what question are you currently
holding about your life or vocation?"
</i>This process of answering these questions right now is so <i>exactly </i>what I need. This process of discernment, of questioning,
or breathing into the place of no answers to find the true question --
this is where the bravery has brought me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Because right now, like many in this country, I feel
angry, and lost, and disheartened. As I
wrote in my <a href="http://autodidactpoet.blogspot.com/2016/12/on-questions-and-capes-poem-about-post.html">last
poem</a>, there are so many questions I cannot answer. I sent an email to a former colleague --
someone older and wiser than myself, telling her that I am disillusioned with
our colleagues and our field.
"Where the hell are we?" I asked her. "What are we
doing? Are we all wrapped up in our
ivory towers of academia, too busy writing articles to come out and talk about
matters of importance? We are in a
position to do so much social good, to make strong statements and take strong
positions on matters of social justice based on what we know, and we don't. If
we do not find a way to speak, aren't we failing our clients and our
profession?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I don't expect to hear from her. I have spent so long looking for, searching
for someone to be the person who will guide or mentor or show me a way through
this. This person is not coming. S/he is not here, and attempting to live into
the word brave did not stir me to action.
It was not big enough.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A few months ago, in the midst of a total, crying,
messy breakdown, I had something happen that had happened to me once
before. It's something that could make firmly
agnostic me believe in God, if I were prone to such things: I heard a
voice. Not an external voice like Morgan
Freeman voice of God moment. Like, just
WOAH. There's that voice. Like happened that one time before when I was
sitting at that stoplight in Ohio. And
the voice said, "<i>what if you are the
one you have been waiting for?"<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Fast forward to yesterday. I'm driving to church, and these things
happened in rapid succession:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">(1) As I was thinking about what I want to say in
that essay, and about all of the unanswered questions inside me, and about this
uncomfortable place I am in, and about how painful change is, and about how
bravery is too small, and about how I love the word vast, I heard that voice
again - so clear, and definitive, and not my voice, and it would be creepy as
hell if it was saying something weird, but it's not, it said the same thing --
it said, "<i>you are the one you are
waiting for."<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">(2) I looked down at my forearm, my hand grasping
the steering wheel, and realized the reason I have not gotten the tattoo I
desperately want is because I have been imagining it wrong. I don't want the words on my back. I want them where I can see them. I <i>need </i>them
where I can see them. I need it on my
forearm. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">(3) The inevitable panic of "YOU CAN'T GET A
VISIBLE TATTOO" set in, and I squashed it.
This body is mine and I want to find out what it's like to live it, to
own it, to inhabit it fully and completely.
<i>I am the one I have been waiting
for. <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I arrived at church, sat in the parking lot,
sketched out the tattoo, and walked inside.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It's not that I believe in signs, but the service
was asking the question: "What is the light that you have to offer the
world?" "What does the world stand to lose if you hide your
light?" I laughed, because -- seriously? And then I cried, because -- seriously? And it just was. This is how the universe is playing right now. Throwing me ALL of the signs. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When I was in college, way back when I was a junior
in 2005, I had to read one of Anaïs Nin's books for my humanistic and
existential psychology class. Either in
the book, or in the class, or in my reading about Nin, I encountered the quote,
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more
painful than the risk it took to blossom."
I wrote it in the front of my notebook.
And since 2005, I have loved that quote.
I can't quite explain the way that quote just has been me and my life in
so many ways -- or the ways I have hoped it would be, sometimes. I have written that quote in journals, on my
skin, in the fronts of books. I have
doodled it, zentangled it: it made 19 year old me feel hopeful. It gave 24 year old me something to believe
in. It gives 31 year old me a sense of
vastness, of blossoming, of expansion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">That quote is, of course, too much to say in a
tattoo, unless you're going big. So this
is what I said instead. This is the
other side of all the bravery.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">The handwriting and overall design are mine.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">The swirly design is found, but the words,
the writing, the design -- it is mine. On my body.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Turns out, I was the one I was waiting for. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I wrote a poem last night that I will not share in its entirety -- but I will share the end, because I think it speaks to that place of
precipice-standing -- to the risk, and the vastness, and the blossoming. <i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"...the light of my self cracks
this body<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">open, leaving<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">broken wholeness in the wake of<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">destruction. This body is not object.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Not function. Not space to be filled or claimed. It is<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">promise - vast and private, like<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">the whisper of dawn<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">just before it breaks<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">into morning."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">There is so much that lies before us, as we stand here -- teetering on this precipice. What if this is the day when the risk to blossom outweighs the risk of remaining tight in a bud? Or maybe not <i>the </i>day, but <i>a </i>day? One of many days, perhaps, when we make that choice? What if we are the ones we have been waiting for? What if this vast and private whisper is not destruction, but the promise-filled darkness of dawn?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I don't have answers -- but now, have a permanent reminder to risk the questions as they break into morning.</span></div>
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Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-77216181457996922732016-12-05T00:32:00.000-05:002017-01-09T11:47:03.492-05:00On questions and capes: A poem about post-election survival<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>On questions and capes: A poem about post-election survival</i><br />
<em><br /></em></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
The cashier at the
pharmacy verifies my name, address, date of birth,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
looks me over and says,
"Solomon, huh?</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Is that Jewish?"</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
It is 3 weeks after the
election.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
We are standing in a
Walgreens in a blue state </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
across the corner from
where the </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
high school kids stood
on election day with signs reading,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
"build that
wall" and "Hillary for Prison." We are</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
down the road from the
Starbucks where I was lectured on</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
how young people will
be the downfall of society because </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
we don't know any
better, and up the street from the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
house with the Confederate flag painted in its garage, from the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Trump sign that lights
up in the dark, from the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
pick-up truck with two
Confederate flags flying off the back above the gun rack, from the </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Safeway where men followed
me to my car, tried to get in after me, where I</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
did not buy from the
Kosher for Passover section because</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
a man in a Trump hat
was in the aisle with me spouting ignorance and now I </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
wonder</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
why I am standing in
Walgreens </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
trying to answer this
question as</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
my mouth goes dry.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
*****</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>Dr. Laura?</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>If Donald Trump is president, will he hate me?</i><br />
<i><o:p><br /></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>Dr. Laura? </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>When Donald Trump runs the world, will he make people be cannibals?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>Will they eat people with autism first?</i><br />
<i><o:p><br /></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>Dr. Laura? </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>Is it okay to worry about Donald Trump?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>Sometimes I can't sleep because I worry about him, like, about what he
might do to my family.</i><br />
<i><o:p><br /></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>Dr. Laura? </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>Will it be the end of the world when Donald Trump is president? <o:p></o:p></i><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>Dr. Laura? <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>Can I be a superhero and save the world from Donald Trump? Sometimes I imagine that.</i><br />
<i><o:p><br /></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>Dr. Laura?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>I don't know how to be a superhero.
<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>I tried to fly once, but <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>I just falled down.<o:p></o:p></i><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>*****<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Each session feels like
a Bingo card of heartbreak:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
a unique pattern of
life on the margins.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
I find newfound fear as
the day's</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
headlines flash by.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Session 1: </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
White single father
with mental illness raising teenage son with</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
disabilities on the
Eastern Shore has to give up</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
a day of work to wait</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
for Medical Assistance
transportation.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Session 2:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Muslim woman in hijab has
twins with autism, works</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
nights to support them,
about to lose her job due to</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
inability to find child
care. <br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Session 3:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Non-English speaking,
immigrant mother with </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
intellectual disability
raising child with autism.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Session 4:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Black lesbian
grandmothers, one with cancer, one an immigrant, raising </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
child with multiple
disabilities on</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
food stamps in section
8 housing with a history of</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
multigenerational trauma.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Bingo.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
*****</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
I receive an email:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
"I don't
understand why you're so upset.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Now is the time to send love and prayers and compassion."<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
I fire off a response:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
"Fuck your
prayers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Now is the time to
fight for the superheroes flying</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
across the margins."<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
*****<br />
I feel so small in the
face of the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
resilience I sit across
from.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
What privilege it is to
feel</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
shell-shocked and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
curl into my</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
white, lesbian,
half-Jewish shell when all day I</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
sit with people who
only had a quarter shell to start with and it</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
leaks when it rains.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
*****</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>Dr. Laura?</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>I was teaching my son to ride the bus.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>He was going to do it himself.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>Should I let him? I'm scared.</i><br />
<i><o:p><br /></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>Dr. Laura?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>I want him to be able to work<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>but I don't know what people will say.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>Have you seen all these hate crimes?</i><br />
<i><o:p><br /></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>Dr. Laura?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>He runs away from me in public.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>He hugs strangers, he's<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>a grown man now.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>A 14-year-old black boy.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>What do we do?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>Dr. Laura?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
****</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
I spend days telling
myself I cannot do this.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
I cannot find my
breath.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
I ask myself: <i>what if the next person you meet is the one
the world is waiting for?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
I give everyone capes
in my mind so they are</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
flying as I </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
learn to ask the
questions that will</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
imagine our survival.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
//<br />
<br /></div>
<br />
<i>Note: All clients portrayed above are fictionalized and/or composites of actual clients I see/have seen. </i>Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-72714771168303932242016-10-06T20:58:00.000-04:002016-10-06T20:58:41.902-04:00No More<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
October is domestic violence awareness month, and I was asked to write a poem for a vigil for domestic and intimate partner violence tonight for a local organization (shout-out to <a href="http://www.wearehopeworks.org/">Hopeworks</a>, who does fantastic work!).</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
Do you know about the "<a href="http://nomore.org/">No More" campaign</a>? The theme of tonight's vigil was "No More." No More domestic violence.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
I want to live in a world where there is no more domestic violence. No more sexual assault. No more abuse. Let's say no more. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<i>No More</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
And the women say No
More.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
And the men say No
More.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
And the children and
elders</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
and my trans-sisters
and brothers</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
queer and straight, we </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
gather to grieve and
rage and hold one another because this </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
is how we reclaim our
lives.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
We converse with silence
and the echo of doubt </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
until we are hollowed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Raw hearts rarely show
the bleeding: </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
we arrive again with strangers
who bring </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
the intimacy we crave
and pocket </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
like poems. Some
moments </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
are small enough to fit
under our tongues, but we hold them like</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
beacons of hope. This breath breathes </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
power into our lungs as
we</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
fight to embody the
subtle whispering of ourselves and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
the weights we carry. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Violence takes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
It takes air, and
energy, and blood, and </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
life, and all we
learned to live by.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
We spend our days
learning</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
the motions of moving our
words from our shoes to our fists,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
from our fists to our
hearts, </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
from our hearts to our
mouths.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
We turn on our voicebox
like a </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
sprinkler of truth-missiles;</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
tie our heartstrings to
moonbeams to practice the art </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
of rising from darkness:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
there is no
prescription or miracle.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
No love letter or
checklist.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
No law, or scripture, or
prayer that rights this world, </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
there is only this-<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
the gravitational pull
of your life to the moonbeams and the ways you rise.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
The power of remembrance
and owning your sanctity.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Candlelight, and
murmurations of</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
the strength of
survival </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
together.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
A poem is so small -- </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
it is only words on a
page, spoken and then</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
gone; I want to be
large.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
The vastness of my
embodying reaching</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
out so I can expand to
exist</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
beyond this:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
take my hand and we
will make</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
the moon.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Let’s beam her large,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
together, rising holy
into the darkness, saying:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
hear me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Believe me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Value me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Warrior with me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Listen when I roar</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
when I whisper</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
when I beg and write</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
and pray:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
No More. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-52900000739525659952016-09-22T23:18:00.000-04:002016-09-23T06:44:09.922-04:00Day 15: Grieving the war<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
I don't know how to
explain the warzone I work in because</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
there are no tanks, or
guns --</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
except for when there
were, once, last year during the uprising after</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Freddie Gray was killed
and I</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
walked in to work past
the National Guard lining the streets in</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
riot gear.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
But it's not really
about that because the warzone I work in is </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
the police problem and
the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
poverty problem and the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
oppressed people
problem and the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
hungry children in a
food desert problem, and the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
shitty schools that do
illegal things routinely problem, and the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
no way out problem.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
It's the "my house
burned down in the snowstorm" warzone, and the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
"I might get
deported" warzone, and the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
"they got rats in
the daycare" warzone, and the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
"don't speak the
language and nobody gets me an interpreter" warzone, </div><div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">and the war of: <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">"can't pay my
BG&E bill," and "don't have a working car" and "got a
kid with a disability" and "school keeps
calling me to come get him so I lost my job."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
And me --</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
most days I show up
with a pen knife to the gun fight.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>"With all due respect, ma'am," </i>he told me, </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>"you say you understand that this is hard.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i>But you don't."<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
He's not wrong.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
I can feel it in my
bones, but I</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
will never have to live
it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
I feel so </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
small, knowing there is
not an</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
enough that can stop this</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
bleeding.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
A patient arrived
nearly half an hour late today.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
He was pulled over by
the police for speeding.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
He left the session and
I cried:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
grateful he</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
made it alive. Praying he</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
made it home.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Allowing myself 5 minutes to</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
grieve the war.</div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-22701851489040481582016-09-19T23:10:00.000-04:002016-09-20T12:34:00.212-04:00Day 14: Unpoemed<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
Here's the thing: this isn't really a poem. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
Here's the other thing: this is my blog, and my poem, so I get to say what's going down...and tonight, I say this is as close as we're getting to a poem. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
There are things that
are not poetic but can be poemed:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Earwigs.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Chapstick that melts in
your purse.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
The number of dead bugs
collected in the light on my ceiling that I cannot remove.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
The incessant barking
of the dog next door.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
And there are things
that are poetic that cannot be poemed:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Your mother asking you
to help take your grandfather's car.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Joint pain that
radiates your body.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
The raw hurt that comes
when you read a person wrong --</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
or when you read them
right, but hoped for more.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
The aching wound that
friendship leaves.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
The ways our history
lives in our bodies.</div>
Feelings that float to
the surface.<br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
Looking for gratitude, and breathing only into the statement,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
"I'm alive."</div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-64922755501765161022016-09-18T17:01:00.001-04:002016-09-18T17:11:21.073-04:00Day 13: Name This<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">Of course, I know this isn't <i>technically </i>day 13...but I needed to take two days off of poeming for lots of reasons. So here's day 13 of my 30 days of poems...they just don't happen to be consecutive days. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">I shared this poem at church this morning. I think it's actually the first time ever I have read a poem aloud and my body has <i>not</i> been shaking. I liked that feeling. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Name This</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
have always been precise in my naming.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
want the just-right word at the just-right time:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
wield the power of my wording like a weapon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Verbing
nouns, changing phrases to make them new<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">and
surprising, I move<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">to
the matters of soul<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">heart-clenchingly
quickly--<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">hold
on, y'all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This
is how things get real. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">See,
as babies, our parents label our worlds:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Do you see the light?"<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"That's your shirt."<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Big yawn."<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"You are so silly."<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">As
toddlers, we ask the questions.<i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
point and show, and<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">each
item is told to us over and over until<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">we
can hold our world in our crumb-encrusted fingers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My
family cat's name was Coo Coo.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Coo
Coo was one of my first words,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">and
everyone thought it was because<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
loved the cat until, at age three <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
told my mother that Coo Coo<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">was
despicable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
wonder how long it took me to find<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">the
just-right word to name that, as playmates go, Coo Coo <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">was
always a bit of a jerk.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
wonder if pride <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">surged
through my three-year-old frame as I knew<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
had found my just-right word, had<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">named
the feeling exactly right, I<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">had
spoken.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">But
just-right words are hard to find,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">hard
to use, hard to believe in;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">naming
our lives is not as easy as labeling<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">lights,
and shirts, and<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">sometimes,
I fall away to<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">solitude
and quiet <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">un-naming
of myself and my place, but wonder: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">how
do I name this worth?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">this
reclamation?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">this
embodying?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">How
do I name this way <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
live my world? I say <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">here
is my heart. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
named it Myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It
is power.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It
is existing beyond, it is<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">a
word after<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">a
word after<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">a
word, it is naming:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">here. I am here,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">holding
my world in my hand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Let
me show you the color, the shape<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">the
weight of it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">How
heavy it can be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Stay
with me so I can<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">open
my fingers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Let
me show you how beautiful it is<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">when
it hits the light.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-90562316224814582862016-09-15T22:36:00.000-04:002016-09-15T22:36:12.656-04:00Day 12: EpigeneticsI don't know how many<br />
lifetimes a child must<br />
die through to end up<br />
sitting in my office with<br />
eyes like caverns that<br />
echo:<br />
<br />
a body is not big<br />
enough to hold that<br />
grief and so it<br />
hollows<br />
like a grave.Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-36888454287108867592016-09-15T00:12:00.001-04:002016-09-15T22:39:35.426-04:00Day 11: Love letter from a flip-flop to the arpeggio: A story of unrequited love<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
Day 11/30</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
So...it's not that my
creativity is waning...but...I maybe needed an idea of what to write tonight,
so I went to Facebook again. This time,
I planned for tonight AND I planned for the future, because these poems are fun,
and I figured maybe I will do one more if I get some good words...we'll see how
the rest of the days go. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
At any rate, here was
the word call: "Needed for two upcoming poem challenges: Four random
things. (I need concrete item type of
things. They can be random, but they
need to be items. Like toothbrush. Or printer.
Or ferris wheel). </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
As was the case
yesterday, they did not disappoint. Here
is the list of words:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<b>buggy whip, giraffe, tank top, Purple Pieman & Berry Bird Pop!
Figure, key lime pie, archipelago, flip flop, tea pot, arpeggio, koala,
febreeze spray, pool noodle, palm tree, vagina, clitoris, vulva, tissue, diet
Dr. Pepper, trash can, peach, geode, flute, puppy, tail, pollywog, kombucha,
water bottle, credit card, metro card, keys<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
With that in mind...the
prompt is "write a love letter between two inanimate objects." I'm thinking, of course, of Sarah Kay's
amazing <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIAQENsqcuM">"Love Letter
From a Toothbrush to a Bicycle Tire."</a>
I took a stab at one a while ago -- <a href="http://autodidactpoet.blogspot.com/2014/12/a-love-letter-from-bell-to-air.html">"A
love letter from the bell to the air." </a> </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
So from that amazing
list of words above, the most obvious and only choice to me is to write...</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<i>Love letter from a flip-flop to the arpeggio: A story of unrequited
love<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I have loved you since first note.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Sitting on my shelf at
Target, </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
waiting for my forever
home, I was</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
practicing my monotone
flips and flops, when you</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
came over the muzak-playing
radio station in</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
soaring, trilling,
rolling, resounding tones.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
You sounded like </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
the first flip-flop
weather day, like the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
going to the beach day,
like the </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
went to the park and
did <i>not </i>step in dog poop day,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
and made me want to
sing my droning song with</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
new life. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
One time, I tried to tune
myself to your key:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
hit my <i>flop</i> square
against a foot I thought would be tuned to G, but it was</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
just a little sharp:<br />
you flawless stream of music.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I love the way you</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
start out slow and then
</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
become faster, almost</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
falling over yourself
-- like I do when I run and my flips and flops smoosh together</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
becoming flops and
flips</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
down and up, up and
down --</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
we have so much in
common, you and I.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Dear Arpeggio,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
bounce with me along
the paths of life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Let us race up and down
the scales together: </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
you holding tight my
strap, and I, holding firmly to your notes, and together, we will create a masterpiece
of tonal flips and flops -- </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
you sweet chord.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Let us rest together
gently upon your staff and I promise</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
to forever bring you
home</div>
to middle C.Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-41241960187242039162016-09-13T20:44:00.002-04:002016-09-13T20:47:28.765-04:00Day 10: Bathe Me Glorious<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
Things I learned just now:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
Some of my friends are jerks and they're lucky I love them anyway. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
I had no idea what to write tonight, so I posted this on Facebook:<br />
<br />
"Help a sister you commits herself to stupid challenges out:<br />
Give me 8 words. One word per person. Any word/form of word. First 8 words win. And go.<br />
(2015s version of this challenge can be seen here: http://autodidactpoet.blogspot.com/2015/06/day-11-i-wish-for-you.html)<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
It started out innocently. The first 4 words were:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
Grace</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Blue</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Revolutionary</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Fierce</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
And then came:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Terpsichorean</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Wallaby</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Deoxyribonucleic acid</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
And the final word: </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Elusive</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Luckily, I have been playing this game for a VERY long time. And the more people are assholes and give you RIDICULOUS words, the better this game becomes. This poem? 20 minutes and done.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
First: definitions.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Terpsichorean - <i>of or relating to dancing</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Deoxyribonucleic acid is just DNA all spelled out and fancy like.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
And this fella is a wallaby.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<i>Bathe Me Glorious</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
In the terpsichorean
mystery of time,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
evolution beckons us
forward from cells to</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
wallabys, from</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
deoxyribonucleic acid
to </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
sponges and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
long-limbed teens with
blue hair and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
snails, and ferrets,
and </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
grandfathers who don't
remember your name - </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
this life </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
is evolutionary chaos I
sometimes don't</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
know how to survive.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Grace, </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
ever elusive in your
splendor</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
bathe me glorious in
your revolutionary light</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
and draw me daringly into fierce</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
and furious</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
dancing.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-46185424015943132322016-09-12T21:49:00.000-04:002016-09-12T22:00:14.543-04:00Day 9: Worse Sins<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
Worse Sins</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because there are worse
sins than a sick day, I </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
go to the beach to baptize
myself alone. With</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
only myself as witness,
I</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
wash myself in sand and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
dirty waters - </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
each wave a whispered
promise</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
of absolution.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-88537384212965339732016-09-11T23:08:00.001-04:002016-11-13T21:44:07.719-05:00Day 8: Why I hold vigil every month witnessing Black lives lost to police violence and proclaiming that Black Lives Matter<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
So, I am <i>really</i> tired tonight in a soul-tired kind of way. I have had a barely medicated migraine most of the day, and my heart and my soul is just tired. The downside of writing a poem every day is that you don't have a lot of time to fix/think/work on things before you gotta move on. This is one I would like to fix/think/work on, and probably will...but I need to turn out the light. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
I dislike churning out poems about "big issues" like this quickly, because it feels more likely that I'll get it wrong. I kept getting anxious as I was writing it, thinking "<i>you're going to say it wrong" </i>and <i>"that's not right!" </i>and "<i>you're going to mess it up and *insert catastrophic thought here*".</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
But I recently re-listened to Lauren Zuniga's poem - "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGCXJqn6DRg">Confessions of an Uneducated Queer</a>," in which she says:<br />
<br />
"I was afraid to write this because I didn't want to fuck it up.<br />
Writing poems about things you don't really know a lot about can be very problematic<br />
but not writing poems about things you're afraid to fuck up can also be very problematic.<br />
The world is problematic -- please. Fuck it up."</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
This is me - being willing to fuck it up in this big, problematic world. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<i>Why I hold vigil every month witnessing Black lives lost to police
violence and proclaiming that Black Lives Matter<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because I am white.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because I have work to
do. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because I do not always
know how to do it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because people mostly
honk, and wave, and drive.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because I waved at a
white woman and she flipped me off.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because, even here, we have work to do.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because it is living my
faith.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because it is
full-bodied prayer. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because I do not know
all of their names.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because we do not have
signs with all of their names.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because we do not have
enough people to hold signs with all of their names.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because there are
always more names. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because I do not know
all of their stories.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because there are
always more stories.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because there are hearts
behind the names and stories.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because the world was
robbed of the rest of their story.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because a mother asked
to take a picture with me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because I was holding a
sign with her dead son's name. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because I do not know
how that interaction does not change a person. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because every month
something in me changes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because I need to be
changed. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because there are small
black and brown faces in the back seats of cars who look with</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
wide eyes and do, or
don't, understand why we're there and </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
why we need to be.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because they will
understand one day.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because I want those
babies safe.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because I want them to always come home alive.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because I never want to
hold a sign with their name on it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Because in the next car
there is a small white face in the back seat with</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
wide eyes who understands,
or doesn't, but </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
will never need to.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-26682436837790242422016-09-10T17:50:00.002-04:002016-09-10T17:50:56.563-04:00Day 7: Telephone<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
I <i>almost </i>left this one untitled, because any title I can think of feels either too obvious or dramatic or overblown. But I think this one works for me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
Telephone</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<i>"I went to lunch with your grandfather and grandmother," </i>he
says.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I go still on my end of
the phone line as I realize</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
this conversation is
not the one I thought it was.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I pause to weigh my options.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<i>"Don't you know your grandmother and grandfather?" </i>he
snaps.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
"Grandfather,"
I address him gently, "Doris was my grandmother."</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<i>"No no. Nope. No.
That's wrong. Lynn is your
mother," </i>he says.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I don't know who Lynn
is. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I wonder if he does.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
"Did you have a
good lunch?" I ask. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
He rambles about his turkey sandwich and ponders </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
whether I
know Rose while I breathe. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I don't know Rose - turns
out she's the lady at the bank.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I store this in my
memory for later:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
there is so much living
in the details.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
"<i>After all these years you're finally telling me that your mother is my daughter?"</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
His voice rises such that I can't tell if he's
joking.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<i>"I'll be damned."<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
We laugh and - for a
moment - my heart eases.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
"Happy birthday,
Grandfather."</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<i>"Yeah," </i>he says. <i>"Thanks, hon."<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
"I love you,"
I say.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<i>"Well that's nice to hear," </i>he says</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
and silence falls
between us.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I remind myself to
breathe.</div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-17549537120459402892016-09-09T23:57:00.002-04:002016-09-10T00:41:15.511-04:00Day 6: Wild Thing<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
Last night in yoga, we did the pose below -- "wild thing" -- and it was beautiful, and powerful, and intense in a "HERE WORLD! HERE IS MY HEART!" sort of way. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
Day 6/30 days of poems - check. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<i>Wild Thing<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Sitting with this
stillness is</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
too much of not enough
tonight-</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
What are you protecting?</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
You wild thing:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
breathe your untamed heart
to freedom and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
let her fly.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6R1pMORzaLMZbuaKyYA1Iq8m7pxlAIqULB23CufzxaBFGQrRN90A26zGS96eEIJBr_eYGckaBbwWECjtumXoa0wTVFX7M3cOT_8rm1LsrFc7IhFR14V_7JNTyJU1FtRwVUKXLgrXsEWUK/s1600/wild+thing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6R1pMORzaLMZbuaKyYA1Iq8m7pxlAIqULB23CufzxaBFGQrRN90A26zGS96eEIJBr_eYGckaBbwWECjtumXoa0wTVFX7M3cOT_8rm1LsrFc7IhFR14V_7JNTyJU1FtRwVUKXLgrXsEWUK/s320/wild+thing.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From yogajournal.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-39390438585861359712016-09-08T23:58:00.000-04:002016-09-09T08:58:45.312-04:00Day 5: Anthem<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<i>Sigh. </i>I suck at titles. Also, I seriously had to get through like 8 different throw away starts to get to this poem (which initially started with the line "I can't write this shit").</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
Writing tip 1: When you can't think of what to write, write what you can't write. Then write.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
Day 5 was a struggle. But it's done. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<i>Anthem</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
Being a poet means</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
living edgelessly on
the verge, always</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
feeling like you're</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
free-</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
falling through layers
of life and line-breaks and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
vulnerability and there
are </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
so many poems I am too
scared to write. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
There are words I</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
swallow like songs my
mother sung me that will </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
kill me one day or</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
explode in poetic battle
of rainstorm --</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
there are so many ways
of fighting against a poem.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Pushing away the big
words that invite fear and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
working only with the
smaller ones that will</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
coat the lining of your
stomach - </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
this shit is real;</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
living is no joke and
witnessing this through</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
poeming is</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
some sort of Fucked Up
most days, but </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I will write instead
that</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
my body is an anthem I
will learn to stand up for, so</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I sweat from the
outside in.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Let it pool in the
cells between my ribcage to</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
make saltwater baths
for the emotions to float on like the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Dead Sea, but</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
everything in me is the
opposite --<br />
like my ribcage is really a rib-liberation, and<br />
saltwater makes everything sink;<br />
like the Dead Sea is
really alive and the</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
empty spaces
are overflowing and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
my heart makes breaking
fall together --</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
there are so many
ways of fighting against a poem:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
so many ways of
forgetting</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
what it feels like</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
to be alive.</div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-76622498292488536322016-09-07T22:45:00.002-04:002016-09-07T22:45:31.441-04:00Day 4: Holy Encompassing<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
Holy Encompassing</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<i>It's going to take me a long, long, LONG time to trust you, </i>he
said.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
"Okay," I
nodded.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<i>Like maybe 10 months. Or 8
months. Or 12 months. Or maybe longer, </i>he warned<i>.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I weighed this
carefully, squinted my eyes a bit, nodded again. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
"That sounds
reasonable," I said. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
"This isn't
something we want to rush."</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
He glanced sideways and
eyed me up with all 12 years of tough <i>dontmesswithme</i>
secrets</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
and the words came
pouring out-- slowly at first and then</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
all at once, like dark descends
on nights without stars --</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
wholly encompassing
breathtaking endings -- but somehow also</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
like breathing into the
comfort of knowing that </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
here, where we stand</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
is also valid.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-11496453385202440832016-09-06T23:28:00.002-04:002016-09-06T23:28:42.073-04:00Day 3: Steps Before Self-Love<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
(1) I'm remembering that writing every day is really hard, and that sometimes I have a hard time letting go of my need for "perfection." (<i>And everyone says "sometimes?").</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
(2) Tonight did not go as planned. This was written in about 20 minutes. It's all I've got. I'm going to have to be okay with that. <i>That's the point of this writing every day exercise. </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
(3) Day 1 and 2 were much better poems. If you didn't read them, you should probably read them instead. Just sayin'.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<i>Steps Before Self-Love</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
While scrolling
Facebook: 43 Self-Care Practices for a Healthy Mind, Body, and Soul.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
In the checkout aisle
at Safeway: 15 Powerful Self-Care Tools You Can't Live Without.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
In my email inbox: 12 Important Ways to Love Yourself</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
On the side of my news
article about the latest dog food recall: 18 of the Most Important Self-Care
Practices You Aren't Doing</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Why the fuck are we
shaming ourselves over self-care?</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I'm wondering why I'm</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
supposed to be seducing
myself, wondering how</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I'm supposed to be
getting into bed with me when</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I have only just
learned my name, and - </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I'm not even to the
point of</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
holding hands with me,
much less</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
seeing me, loving me, and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
what I want to know is what
color my irises are on the inside, and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
whether my heartbeat
ever keeps time with the world,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I want to feel the way
breathing </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
can be gentle next to
me in ways I've</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
never let it be:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
there are steps before
self-love that no one wants to talk about.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Conversations that must
be had before you can</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
enter into self-care but</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
before I lie </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
next to my self, I will
touch her softly asking- </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<i>where does it hurt?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
and we'll do nothing
but</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
hold the aching </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
gently </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
in our hands. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-4399281781750621022016-09-05T20:51:00.000-04:002019-08-03T19:35:21.317-04:00Day 2: Unsmall<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<i>Unsmall</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
We were friends the way 10-year-olds who don't fit<br />
meld together into a unit of awkward by necessity. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
We didn't understand
each other and didn't have to because </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
we were 10 and didn't know
the burdens we carried or </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
how to name
ourselves and our lives - but it didn't matter<br />
because we danced for the same reason<br />
and knew it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I was the shy, bullied
girl with too-big glasses; he, the only boy in dance
class,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
and we somehow fit into
each other's space with an ease we knew did not
just happen.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
We got to know each
other's quiet pauses. The ways his eyes would
soften when he knew</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
things weren't good at
home or </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
the costume did not fit
or </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
they closed my fingers
in the dressing room door - again, and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I knew the way he was
practicing jumps when</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
things weren't good at
home</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
or school</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
or anywhere</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
and we would lose
ourselves in</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
who could jump higher or</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
who could pirouette
longer and this</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
is why we danced.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<i>Hey Buddy, </i>he would say, and we would</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
sit on the steps where
we </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
weren't supposed to be
but</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
no one would stop us
because together we were</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
invisible and
invincible and </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
it was never love but
I loved him in a way that made us</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
not small at a time
when we were both</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
unseen: we could</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
dance each other large</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
if only for a moment
and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
what is love anyway but
making each other</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
unsmall?</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Life happens, in spite
of unsmall love and</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I haven't seen him for
more years than I knew him, but</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
after 13 years, when I
saw his mother's obituary, </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I knew I had to go.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
He stands on the porch,
smoking a cigarette</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
wearing a too-big suit
and the weight of the world on his body.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<i>Hey Buddy, </i>I say.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
He shakes his head like
he used to and his eyes go soft.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<i>It's been so many years, </i>he says.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I hug him tight, his
shoulders broader than at 17;<br />
I feel so small against
his frame.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<i>I can't believe you came, </i>he says, and his voice</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
cracks under the weight.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I hold him with my eyes
and know this love<br />
can still make us unsmall and </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
for a moment</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
we are there, </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
dancing each other large.</div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-30078896366214948602016-09-04T00:26:00.001-04:002016-09-04T00:26:54.861-04:00Day 1: Undoing<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
Okay, y'all. So, it's time. For real. I need to get my butt in gear and write actual words on an actual page. So there will be 30 days of writing. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
For real. I'm not even kidding a little bit. You have my permission to kick me if I am not writing. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
Here is day one. </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<i>Undoing</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
Some days I wear my body
like broken glass.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Crumbled shatterings
create</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
splintered mosaics
inside this frame and I</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
thank god for the ways
gravity</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
and bones hold my
undoing together.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
And some days</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I wear my body like
thunderstorm.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
The oppressive weight
of cloud hangs over my chest and rips</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
thunder through me - </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
there is danger</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
in the way I wear this
rippling creation of a being.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I wear this body heavy
the way</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
carrying a river is
heavy:</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
it is beautiful</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
and deep as it silently</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
erodes its own </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
edges.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
And some days --some
days </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I remember this body is
not</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
a thing to be worn.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Not burden, not bruise,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
not load to contend
with.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
This body is not </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
pieces glued together
forming this</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
heart-full being of
human.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
See - a tree does not
wear herself differently </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
because the wind has
blown.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Does not shame herself
when</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
lightning scars her
skin,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
when seasons leave her
bare,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
when insects bore her leaves --</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
she lives her physical
body without</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
shrinking.</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
Some day,</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
I will</div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
live </div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
this body.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-88202615482082833322016-07-31T22:41:00.001-04:002016-07-31T22:47:13.190-04:00I haven't been able to write this poemI have been struggling like woah with writer's block. It's awful. I have about 15 pieces of poems in various places...on my phone, on pieces of paper, in notebooks, on my computer....and they all suck. They're all trying to say the same thing, and none of it worked. I have about 4 pieces of other writing I've tried to do to get around it, and that isn't working either. <br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 1em 0px;">
So tonight as I was washing dishes, this is what came to me: "Stop trying to say <i>all of the things. </i>You can't say <i>all of the things. </i>Stop trying to say it all fancy and impressive. Say it simply. Just say it. Ask the question. State the problem. What is it your heart is trying to say?"</div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 1em 0px;">
And then I listened. And the question is <i>how do I write this? </i>And the question after that is <i>how does my heart hold all of this? </i></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 1em 0px;">
Here is the 5 minute poem that came from those questions and that listening:<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 1em 0px;">
I haven’t been able to
write this poem.<br />
<br />
The hateful rhetoric is
loud and threatening and I<br />
am frightened.<br />
My baby sister calls
and tells me she is scared.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has<br />
nightmares if she reads
the news <br />
too close to sleep.<br />
<br />
I walk the dog in
morning dew.<br />
The world feels fresh,
like it<br />
doesn’t know what’s to
come, or—<br />
maybe it does and it<br />
believes in itself anyway.<br />
<br />
How do I write the depth
of this fear,<br />
anxiety,<br />
dread?<br />
<br />
How do I write the intensity of this hope,<br />
belief,<br />
resilience?<br />
<br />
How do I write the way
my heart <br />
blisters as it strains
to hold both<br />
huge<br />
truths?</div>
Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-352901349659628092.post-17191264384356532232016-07-08T00:10:00.002-04:002016-07-08T07:49:01.379-04:00Hella Strong: Radical Self-Love and Gratitude<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Okay, so here’s the deal: I am exhausted. I have about 500 things I should be doing,
and at least 3 other things I should be focusing on writing, but I really need
to write this tonight. </span><br>
<br>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">No, no, you don’t understand.</span><br>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><br></span>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">I </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">need </span></i><span style="font-family: "calibri";">to write
this tonight.</span><br>
<br>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">I don’t know if non-writers or non-artist/creative-types
understand this need. Hell, I don’t
really know for sure if anyone who isn’t me understands this need. It’s like an addiction. It’s like I need to put the words on the
paper or they will start to crawl out of my skin and do dangerous and unsightly
things, and we can’t have that, can we?</span><br>
<br>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">I know I am not alone when I say that my relationship with
my body is difficult. It has come a long way – particularly recently. Part of being human, and part of being female
in this culture, and part of being raised in my particular family culture, and
part of being a survivor of sexual violence, and part of just, like, being me
with my particular neurology, probably, has meant that my relationship with my
body has been tough. It has gone through
healthy times, and not-so-healthy times, and destructive times. It has been through a lot, this body. It’s hella strong, and hella resilient, and I
have also put it through a hell of a lot of shit.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Most days now, I know how to feed her and water her and move
her in ways that feel good and right. It’s
not that I always do those things, but more often than not, I am privileged
enough to be able to make the choice to do those good things. I am learning how to think good thoughts that
do not hurt her most times. I’m
learning. This being human, y’all. It’s not for the faint of heart.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">But here’s the thing: when my body does not do the things I
think it is supposed to do…when it does not act in the ways I think it is
supposed to act….when it does not feel the way I think it is supposed to feel…I
fall apart. I lose my cool. The whole “positive relationship with my body”
thing goes out the freaking window.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">For the past week and a half, I have had some pretty nasty
joint pain, amongst other symptoms. I’m
still in the process of figuring out what’s causing it…but it’s not fun. Moving hurts.
Not moving hurts. Typing this
makes my fingers and wrists feel like they are on fire. There are good moments and bad moments, and
they are unpredictable and have seemingly nothing to do with what I do or don’t
do. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">And ultimately, it will be fine. I am blessed with a hella strong, hella
resilient body, and with health insurance, and with access to whatever doctors
I choose to go to, and that is one hell of a blessing. In the meantime, I am tired, and I am
frustrated, and I have done a really shitty job of being kind to myself about
the whole thing, asking myself questions like “what did you do!?” and
convincing myself that my body has some crusade against me, as if that is the
only logical explanation.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">In a few rare, gentle moments last night and this evening, I
realized a couple things:</span><br>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><br></span></span></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">1.</span><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">There are not, actually, “sides,” here. I am not at war. This thing is just an experience that my body
and I can live into. And, I actually
have some control as to how that is going to go. This simultaneously makes me anxious and
relieved. </span><br>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><br></span></span></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">2.</span><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Living fully present in my body is something
that was a challenge for me for a long time, and has been something that I have
only really learned how to do again easily recently. Pain messes with the ways I use to ground
myself physically in my body, which then makes it more difficult to feel
grounded. It’s a fun little cycle. I spend </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">a
lot </span></i><span style="font-family: "calibri";">of time in my head. And this is
such a good excuse to spend more time in my head and not in my body. </span><br>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">3.</span><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I teach parents Kristin Neff’s self-compassion
exercise all the time. I have told
friends and colleagues about it. I refer
to it often. But I don’t use it,
actually, because self-compassion is </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">hard,
</span></i><span style="font-family: "calibri";">guys. I am really, really good at </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">recommending </span></i><span style="font-family: "calibri";">self-compassion. I’m really good at modeling it, showing it to
you, taking you out for a self-compassion test-drive, even. But when I am alone in my own head, it’s
another story. </span><br>
<br>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Anyhow, she teaches the three steps of self-compassion (1) mindfulness,
(2) connection with common humanity; (3) self-kindness. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">So, one might say to oneself – (1) This is a moment of
suffering; (2) Suffering is a part of life; (3) May I be kind to myself. Or (1) Wow, my shoulders and knees hurt right
this moment. (2) I know there are many
people who are also experiencing physical and emotional discomfort. (3) May I be gentle in my thoughts and
actions. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">***</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">So I have been thinking for a few weeks now that I want to
do a “post-a-day” challenge, and I actually really want to do a poem every day
for 30 days like I did last year. But
then I think about how tired I am right now, and how much my all-of-the-things
hurt at the moment, and how my brain gets uber obsessive about poems and
writing, and how that would NOT be the kind or gentle choice right now. Like at all.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">But this is what my brain has been coming back to for the
past several days: I’m going to start a gratitude practice specifically for my
body and how it carries me through the day.
Because, when you think about it, it’s pretty fucking amazing. Right?
</span><br>
<br>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Every day, for 30 days, I will name one thing I’m grateful
for about this hella strong, hella resilient, hella hurting body. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">But here's the thing: this works better with friends. Will you also commit to loving and celebrating your (strong, beautiful, resilient, hurting, insert your adjective of choice) body with me? </span><br>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><br></span>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Will you join me in this act of radical self-love and
gratitude?</span></div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike>Autodidactpoethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16860752713734930046noreply@blogger.com0