Twenty-one things I wanted to say
this week, but didn't
1. Do you ever
stop talking?
2. I hate that
skirts don't have pockets. When I have my period and need to walk to the
bathroom, I either need to bring my purse (which screams SHE NEEDS HER
TAMPONS!) or hide the tampon somewhere on my person. It's fucking awkward.
3. It wounds my
heart that someone would hurt you and your beautiful child so deeply. I have a
collection of sores in my soul from stories like yours, and they never seem to
scab over. Your daughter deserves every
happiness this life has to offer.
4. My soul loves
this world. It is completely
irrational, but I don't know how not to love with my whole self. It's why
things hurt so deeply. I both love and
hate this part of me.
5. You don't
know me. I am not your friend.
6. Animal
cruelty makes me feel like I'm going to vomit. I know I am telling you that I am not judging
your son, but the fact that he cut your goldfish into pieces with scissors makes
me want to flee the room, just to find some air.
7. My idea was
brilliant. I'm sorry you're too
self-absorbed to see that.
8. What gives
you the right to comment on my body? I
had to try on 3 outfits today, just to get out the door; I finally decide on one
I can live with, and you comment on the size of my calves? I fought back tears of insecurity and voicelessness
in the bathroom. I give you more power
than you deserve.
9. I love you. Not romantically...just
with my heart. It makes me feel alive.
10. Stop acting
like you fix computers. You sit
at your desk and Google stuff. You have
no one fooled.
11. I know your
son was suspended because of racism. I
know his services are not what they should be because of racism. I know no one is taking you seriously because
of racism. I know they are writing you
off because they think you are uneducated.
I can't tell you this, but I see it.
I can't fix it, but I'm going to try to make it right. Hang on a bit longer. I got you.
12. I don't know
how to be kind to myself without panicking.
There are no words to describe the depth of the panic this causes. I don't expect you to understand. But I wish you could.
13. I'm sorry we
lost session time because your kid pooped.
I'm still not entirely sure what you wanted me to do differently; he needed his diaper changed. Next time, I'll remember to sprinkle some
anti-poop powder in the room before you arrive.
14. That's not
what I said and you know it. You know I
don't play that way. Get it together.
15. Your child's
diagnosis is not a death sentence. He is
a beautiful, whole, and perfect being, even when he bugs the everloving shit
out of you. Don't write him off. Look in his eyes. I know he can't say it, but he needs you to
love him. He's 4. Don't give up on him yet.
16. I'm sorry. I'm learning.
Can we try again?
17. My brain
exhausts me. Is it this much work being
you?
18. I don't feel
much like a grown-up today.
19. I don't care
what you do with the ashes of our dead relative that you found in grandfather's
closet.
20. I have
secrets. Can I trust you?
21. Did I
mention that I love you? I do.
WowI This is powerful! I am sorry you couldn't voice your feelings.
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