It's not often that I get grumpy. I get frustrated, and angry, and anxious, and
occasionally withdrawn, but grumpy? Not
very often at all.
However, tonight I am genuinely grumpy. Fussy.
Crabby. Irritable. Surly.
Here's why:
1. It is hot. It is so freaking hot. I don't have central AC, which is fine, but
the heat index of over 100 with over 70% humidity has taken a bit of a
toll. I have a fan in my bedroom, and a
little AC unit thing in the living room, and a ceiling fan in the kitchen...and
honestly, 99% of the time it doesn't bother me at all. This week, though, has been killer.
2. I'm so freaking tired of the news. This happens to me every now and again. I just get completely burned out and
disillusioned with the world. I try
taking "media breaks," but it's hard when your friends and colleagues
are politically minded, sharing articles and making conversation at work. It's hard when you just want to hear what the
traffic conditions are as you're stuck on I-70, so you turn on the radio. It's hard when you want to laugh and watch a
funny video of a sneezing baby panda or a cat riding a vacuum and your YouTube
suggests videos with headlines that make your heart hurt. It's hard when your client is 15 minutes late
and you can't start a task, because you know they're coming, so you pull up
Huffington Post on your phone and are bombarded with headlines of
"Chilling Photos of Bombing Suspect's Arrest Emerge," and
"Trayvon's Mom: 'I have no clue' now how my oldest son should stay
safe" and the whole sickening Rolling Stone issue, and 3 Planned
Parenthoods closing in Texas, "College Rapist Punished with Essay, $75
Fee." (Yes, I also saw the article
entitled "Pizzeria Owner Denies Masturbating in Kitchen After Security
Picture Leaks"...but you just reach a certain point where you even feel
angry about that, you know?). I know
this passes. It always does. But in the meantime, when I'm this hot, it's
just hard.
2.5 (Because this is closely related to #2) There was also a link on Huffington Post to a series of pictures about why dogs are awesome and why you should have a dog. I clicked it this evening, because it was better than racism, glorified bombers, and rape. It started out adorable...cute pictures of dogs doing cute things...but then it turned into this thing that was all sentimental and cute and made me cry, because when I'm grumpy, my emotions just bubble right below the surface. I mean, for real? When did I become the type of person who cries at pictures of dogs?
(Uhhh...I've always been that person...but don't tell. Shhhhh....).
3. I got my butt kicked by a small child. He seriously wore me down. Hour long tantrums in which
furniture is
hurled, it takes 2 staff to clean out a room and 2 staff to hold the kid, and
the child screams inappropriate things for 45 minutes...they'll wear you out really
quickly. As an aside -- my favorite
quote ever from a very angry, tantruming child?
It's a tie between: "Fuck you, you fucking swamp monster!" and
"You're a potato head! I hate you
Mrs. Potato Head!" and "Wait until I rip my underwear! You'll be sorry when I rip my underwear!" There were a couple good lines tonight,
too. The kids are really hurting and
mad, so I shouldn't laugh...but sometimes, at some point, 30 minutes into a
killer tantrum, when you get called a swamp monster...it becomes pretty much
the funniest thing ever.
4. I had a migraine before the tantrum, and it was totally
my fault. I stopped at the grocery store
this morning on the way to work, and I bought a bottle of Starbucks "Iced
Coffee + Milk" that was in the check-out lane while I was there. There were two different ones - one that had
a blue label that said "2% milk and lightly sweetened" and the other
said it was caramel flavored with a yellow label that said "2% milk and
lightly sweetened." Not being a fan
of caramel, I opted for the blue label one.
I DIDN'T see, however, that at the TOP of the bottle, in little letters
on the blue label, it said "low calorie." Even though companies and scientists and the
FDA and researchers and whoever say that artificial sweeteners don't cause
migraines, I can tell you with absolute certainty that they do (for me). Also, I find that this stuff hides in things
where you wouldn't expect it, and while it IS always labeled as
"lite" or "low-calorie," sometimes, those words are hard to
find. I bought yogurt the other day that
I then had to return because I got mixed up between the "low-fat/2%
milk" yogurt and the "low-calorie-will-make-you-feel-like-death"
yogurt.
I realized what I had done because of the taste (and it DOES
taste different), but even just the couple sips was enough to trigger a
migraine. It makes me grumpy that (a)
this causes me migraines, (b) everything has this crap in it, and (c) it's so
hard to identify. Let's come up with one
word, or one color, or something so that it's not a guessing game. Like...green labels with the words CONTAINS
ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS in bold, nice and big would be perfect. Thanks.
5. I have this really complicated interpersonal situation
going on that is stressful. It requires
me to practice drawing very firm boundaries, repeatedly, in a very direct
manner. This is hard for me. It makes me uncomfortable and anxious, and I
feel really mean. I know that this is
something that I have to do, but the other person isn't making it easy. It isn't easy for either of us. All my other ways of attempting to navigate
the situation have been unsuccessful, however, so for my own well-being...I
have to do it. Reminding myself that I
am worthy of this is hard.
6. I officially fell off the gratitude train. Starting and cultivating a daily gratitude
practice has been the most helpful thing I possibly could have done. It gives me perspective, and it helps me to
stay grounded. Today, though...I'm not
feeling quite so grateful. I'm hot. I'm tired of the fact that the world
sucks. I have Post Migraine Funk
Syndrome. I am tired from navigating
pissed-off kids. I am tired from
stressful interpersonal situations that make me question myself. Gratitude is the sugar for the lemonade. Without it, your lemonade will be drink-able, but it's going to suck a little bit.
But I am grateful for my dog, because he is hilarious and
loving and cuddly. And I am grateful for
watermelon, because it is cold and juicy and delicious. And I am grateful for the fact that tomorrow,
I get to wake up and start all over again.
I am grateful that none of this grumpiness needs to carry into
tomorrow. And I am grateful for the
perspective that, even if it does, I will get to start again in the next
moment, and the next, and again in the one after that.
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