I keep thinking I want
to write this post, and then I keep telling myself that I shouldn't...and then
I keep wanting to write it...and then I stop myself again...
So I'm going to write
it, but I'm going to write it carefully because I don't want it to be
misconstrued. If I say something that
doesn't sit right with you, or something that doesn't seem like me...ask me in
the comments and we'll talk. Chances are
that it just didn't come out right, in spite of my being careful.
There is this one
particular colleague that challenges me for several reasons, but mostly, I
think, because we are just very (very) different people. She is not a bad person, and I don't want to
come across as saying that she is. She
has very different values than I do, sure, but she's not a bad person. I think her intentions are mostly good.
This person, who I'll
call Emma, challenges me most of all on two topics: (1) completely unchecked
privilege that she has no intention of recognizing and (2) complete lack of
awareness on issues surrounding diversity.
Allow me to set the
scene for the following conversation.
Emma, another colleague I'll call K, and myself were sitting in our
cubicles. I was writing progress notes,
and Emma and K were talking.
Emma is a Caucasian,
cisgender, Christian female in her early 30s, born and raised in a (self-described) wealthy,
religious family in a Midwestern state.
K is an Indian,
cisgender, Hindu female in her late 20s, born and raised in Delhi, India, in a (self-described) "well-off" family. She has
been in the US for 5 years. It should be
noted that K has a traditional Indian name.
K asked Emma for
assistance with pronouncing an unusual name for a client she would be seeing
later that day. Emma provided as much
assistance as she could, and laughed at the name.
"You know," K
said, "I always thought I wanted to give my children traditional Indian
names because they have so much meaning, and I just have always thought they
are beautiful. But after working with
kids and knowing how much I mess up their names all the time, I don't know if I
want to do that to my kid. I'll probably
name him John or something," she laughed.
|
Me, as I was pretending to write notes |
"Oh my gosh,"
said Emma. "I can't stand
these...you know...
interesting names. You know how I told you that I did foster
care when I was living in [Midwestern state]?
Yeah, well, did I ever tell you the kids' names?"
"No," said
K. "I don't think so."
I continued typing my
notes, but my fingers were turning into claws on my keyboard. This was not going to end well, I could tell.
"Well," said
Emma, "the first child I had...a little boy...his name when I got him was [insert
traditional Native American name here].
Well, let me tell you, I called the foster care agency and told them
"there is no way I'm calling a child this name. We're going to have to give him a new name
instead."
K laughed, sort
of. "So wait, his name was
[traditional Native American name]? And
they changed it?"
"Oh yeah,"
said Emma. "There was no way I was
going to call a child that. So we
changed the name to [insert common, European sounding name here]. And then my SECOND foster child...I couldn't
even figure out how to pronounce his name.
His name was [insert traditional Native American name here]. And I just told them, "no, I'm calling
him [insert similar sounding name that is a relatively uncommon, but clearly European,
name]." She laughed. "I mean, come on. How was I going to call a child [traditional
Native American name]?"
K laughed again, sort
of. "So you just changed the
children's names? You can do that?"
"Oh yeah,"
said Emma. "The foster care agency
didn't have an issue with it. I think
they probably understood."
There was an awkward
moment while I weighed the anger that was coming out of my ears, the likelihood
that I would be able to respond in a calm and rational manner, and the fact
that I need to work with her for at least another 10 months. I couldn't stay quiet. I took a breath and turned around.
"Growing up in
Midwestern state, there must have been a large Native American
population," I said, hoping to give her a way to introduce this fact, or
recant her prior judgment, or change her story, or offer a redeeming piece of
information, or something. None of that
happened.
|
Also me, waiting for the smoke to start coming out of my ears. |
"Oh yeah,"
she said instead. "They're
everywhere."
I'm pretty sure flames
came out of my ears. I took another deep
breath.
"Well, given that,
and given the children's names, it sounds like they were probably from families
with Native American heritage.
Right?"
"Well, yes,"
she said.
"Hmmmm," I
paused. Everything paused for a moment,
as both Emma and K waited for what I was going to say next. "You know," I said, thoughtfully
and calmly, "I don't know that I agree with you on this. Given, they weren't children that I was
caring for, but it concerns me that children who are being taken not only away
from their family, but also away from their culture, would also have their names that link them to
that culture taken from them. From what
I understand, names and the naming process are extremely important in some
cultures...not to mention that there is an identity with that name, even with
very young children. To take that away
so that I could feel more comfortable, or so that the people around me could
feel more comfortable, is not something I think I could condone."
"Oh, they were
really young...I mean, the oldest was 3.
And this is something that the foster care agency has to do all the time."
"Hmmm," I
said, pausing again. "You
know," I said, continuing to breathe and attempt to sound thoughtful and
calm, "I think this also bothers me due to the fact that this fees like a
perpetuation of what Caucasian people have done to Native Americans and their
culture for generations. I just think
that I would really hate for a child to lose their traditional name and their
link to their heritage because someone isn't comfortable with calling them by
their given name."
"Yeah..."
Emma paused. "Well...it was really
no big deal. The foster care agency was
cool with it." She laughed and made
a joke, and then her pager went off, calling her into session.
K and I turned back to
our computers and started typing after she left. My heart was pounding because...dude,
standing up is hard. There wasn't a
reason to stand up to this particular issue, necessarily. It was all over and done. But I had to do it anyway. I just had
to. I couldn't have let myself just
sit there and listen to it. Why?
(1) Because I don't
know how this conversation might have affected K, as a Indian woman living, at
least for now, in the US. As an Indian
woman expressing -- albeit tongue-in-cheek -- her hesitance to name her future
children with names that are culturally important and significant to her.
(2) Because we work
together in a helping profession with children from all walks of life, from
every possible background and history, and because the sort of ignorance and
judgment she was displaying is not okay with me if she is going to continue to
work in this profession. I mean, if you
change your own foster children's names, what might you say to a family or
client with whom you are working? (Keep
in mind, we have lots of prior history, too.
I'm not basing this on a one-time interaction, even if it was a
whopper).
(3) Because this just
was not okay. Changing others' culture
to make you more comfortable is not okay.
Laughing about others' heritage to make you more comfortable is not
okay.
(4) Because, it seems,
that this had been told and retold as a "funny story" for years, and
had always gone unchecked. I couldn't
let it go unchecked.
It was hard. But I had to say something. I don't think it changes anything. I also don't think this will be the last
conversation of this nature that we have.
|
Also me. I'm the dude offering the drink. |
(I do know that she did
not come to the didactic I did on cultural competence...in spite of supervisors
directives to go. This was a serious
bummer, as I did the didactic because I saw a need - from her and others - and asked to be able to help to fill that
need. I expressed this disappointment to
my supervisor later, and her response was, essentially "you can lead a
horse to water, but you can't make him drink." This is true, but hard to sit with. I kinda want to shake her and say
"LEARN, DAMMIT!" This,
however, is generally regarded as unprofessional).
How would you have
handled this situation? Would you have
had a conversation? Or would you have
let it be?