The biggest compliment I
have ever received was given by an 11 year old girl who has absolutely no idea of the extent to which she touched me. This
young lady was a client I worked with for quite some time. At the time of the compliment, we were addressing some bullying that was happening at
school. The bullying was terrible, and
she had every right to be intimidated and worried, so she, understandably, did NOT like working
on being assertive. However, she
begrudgingly agreed to work with me to make a video of role-plays. She played the role of herself and I, the
bully. In the first video, we filmed how
she was currently responding. In the
second video, we filmed an assertive response I had coached her through that we
had practiced.
When we watched our video
at the end of the session and she saw the transformation and assertiveness in
herself, she threw her arms around my waist and exclaimed, "You have the biggest, best ninja heart."
It has been over 6
months since this happened, and I STILL get tears in my eyes writing this.
*****
I started this year
with an intention. Not a resolution --
an intention -- to be brave. I didn't
take much time to think about it, or operationally define it, or set bravery
goals or anything of the sort. Rather, I
was listening to my music, flipping through the songs in my iTunes, and was
struck by a theme running through the songs I chose. First there was "Brave" by Jamie
O'Neal. And then there was
"Brave" by Sara Bareilles. And
then there was "Walk You Home" by Karmina with the chorus "Even
the brave they depend on someone/the moon only shines with the help of the
sun..." Next was "I
Choose" by India Arie, which doesn't have the word "brave" in it
necessarily, but it relates...and this went on, and on, and on. I only need the universe to hit me over the
head a few times before I say "oh yeah!
I get it!" and take the hint.
As the year progresses,
I am starting to think more about what this actually means, and how I can live
that into reality. I seldom feel
brave. I am frequently more anxious than
I care to admit -- fearful, even, on occasion.
There were days this week -- days which are now blessedly few and far
between -- when I just wanted to stay in bed with the covers over my head. I didn't, but I wanted to, and the concept of
being brave in the face of multiple decisions I had to make this week seemed far, far
out of my reach.
Bravery is different
than strong. I have a bad history with
the word strong, and I hate it. I spent
too much time being strong and being taught that "strong" meant not
having/showing feelings. I was taught
that, if you're strong, nothing bothers you -- which was never something I was
able to achieve. I was led to believe,
before I was old enough to question it or make opinions of my own, that
"strong" was this elusive state I could never quite reach, and I was
ashamed that I could not be "strong."
Strong meant the absence of fear.
It meant being able to hold it together when the world is
crumbling. Rocks are strong, and I was supposed to be a rock, strongly holding myself and others together. (Conversely, I have a client who believes
that strength is equivalent to weight - and the more the better. She routinely tells me proudly, "guess
how strong I am now? 96. I keep getting stronger and stronger. Last time I was only 94. Look," she says, showing me her
muscles. "Can you see that I'm 96
now?").
I don't really care at
this point about being strong. Bravery,
however, is different. Bravery is not
about the absence of fear, or the absence of emotions. Bravery is about feeling the fear, or the
sorrow, or the heartache or loss, and making the choice to do the thing that is
right. It is the choice to do the thing that needs to
be done.
Notice my wording here
(because I just worked really hard on it, dammit). Bravery is feeling it all and making the choice
to do what is right. To do the thing
that needs to be done. Not the strong
thing. Not the knight in shining armor "brave"
thing as we typically think about "bravery." Not the courageous thing, or the hard thing,
or the difficult thing, or even the thing that requires taking the road less
traveled by. It's not the choice to do
what should be done. Being brave is the choice to do what needs to be done.
In other words, being
brave is living life showing your ninja heart.
It is brave to make the
choice to do what it is you are scared to do, AND it is brave to make the
choice to respect yourself and your limits enough to make the other
choice.
It is brave to push
yourself to do the things that are hard, AND it is brave to love yourself
enough to take the easier road without shame or regret.
It is brave to fight
your internal demons, AND it is brave to choose to take a break from that
battle to gather the strength you need.
It is brave to talk
when you need to, and it is also brave to be silent.
There is bravery in
standing up and fighting/advocating/marching, and there is so much bravery in
putting one foot in front of the other and simply continuing to walk.
Bravery is the ability
to make the choice that is right without shame or guilt. By making a conscious choice, you are living
bravery into action. By doing that which
is right, you are brave. You are showing the world your biggest, best
ninja heart.
Bravery is not the act
of doing something in spite of fear,
but perhaps it is the act of doing something alongside the fear. Most ideas of bravery will tell you to just to
"do it anyway." Don't let the
fear get you down, they say. Show it
who's boss!
I say: don't try to
outrun your fear. Don't do something
with the intention of ridding yourself of the fear. Instead, acknowledge the fear, the pain, the
indecision, the loss, the heartache, and weigh the choices. Once you have decided on what is right, wrap your arm around Fear's
shoulders and take her with you. If you
are truly doing what is right, she will come along regardless. Might as well invite her along for the ride.
The opposite of bravery
is not fear. It is not cowardice or
timidity. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it doesn't have an opposite. But bravery and fear are not mutually
exclusive. In fact, my ninja heart tells
me that they often go hand-in-hand.
This is a definition I
can live with. This definition lets me
know that I don't need to showcase superhuman feats of strength to be
brave. I don't need to choose to do the
thing that will hurt the worst, just to prove I can do it. That is the definition I lived with for a
long time, and if I did anything less than that, I was disappointed in myself
and I was ashamed. Bravery is not always
the loudest thing you can do...it is only that which is right, which is good,
which is ninja heart.
So may it be.
I like that!
ReplyDeleteYou really do have the "biggest best ninja heart." <3
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