Unsmall
We were friends the way 10-year-olds who don't fit
meld together into a unit of awkward by necessity.
meld together into a unit of awkward by necessity.
We didn't understand
each other and didn't have to because
we were 10 and didn't know
the burdens we carried or
how to name
ourselves and our lives - but it didn't matter
because we danced for the same reason
and knew it.
because we danced for the same reason
and knew it.
I was the shy, bullied
girl with too-big glasses; he, the only boy in dance
class,
and we somehow fit into
each other's space with an ease we knew did not
just happen.
We got to know each
other's quiet pauses. The ways his eyes would
soften when he knew
things weren't good at
home or
the costume did not fit
or
they closed my fingers
in the dressing room door - again, and
I knew the way he was
practicing jumps when
things weren't good at
home
or school
or anywhere
and we would lose
ourselves in
who could jump higher or
who could pirouette
longer and this
is why we danced.
Hey Buddy, he would say, and we would
sit on the steps where
we
weren't supposed to be
but
no one would stop us
because together we were
invisible and
invincible and
it was never love but
I loved him in a way that made us
not small at a time
when we were both
unseen: we could
dance each other large
if only for a moment
and
what is love anyway but
making each other
unsmall?
Life happens, in spite
of unsmall love and
I haven't seen him for
more years than I knew him, but
after 13 years, when I
saw his mother's obituary,
I knew I had to go.
He stands on the porch,
smoking a cigarette
wearing a too-big suit
and the weight of the world on his body.
Hey Buddy, I say.
He shakes his head like
he used to and his eyes go soft.
It's been so many years, he says.
I hug him tight, his
shoulders broader than at 17;
I feel so small against his frame.
I feel so small against his frame.
I can't believe you came, he says, and his voice
cracks under the weight.
I hold him with my eyes
and know this love
can still make us unsmall and
can still make us unsmall and
for a moment
we are there,
dancing each other large.
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