Saturday, September 21, 2013

Good enough was not such a good day.  It was such a not good day, in fact, that I was GOING to say "screw posting every day, I'm going to go watch more mindless episodes of "New Girl" on Netflix, because Zooey Deschanel is freakin' adorable, and that's about all I can handle at the moment."If you know me, you know that I don't watch mindless TV.  Like, ever.  In fact, I haven't had a TV hooked up to anything other than a DVD player for 3 years and haven't missed it.  I watch dumb things only when I am (a) sick or (b) in a super not good spot, from which I need to attempt to mindlessly distract myself.  I'm not sick, so...

So I watched some mindless episodes of "New Girl."  And I also kept my hands busy (because, if you
know me, you know that I can't just sit and watch a movie/TV.  I have to be doing something with my hands).  I saw this craft on Pinterest for turning old CD cases into super cute coasters.  It sounds weird until you have a bagillion old CD cases sitting in your office that you don't know what to do with and feel badly throwing away to fill up the landfill.  Then it sounds like an awesome idea.  I made two sets of 4 each.  Let me know if you want some.  Tomorrow isn't looking like it's going to be so awesome either, and there MAY be more "New Girl" episodes in my future.  I will seriously make some and send them to you, and will include a thank you note for giving me a reason to be distracted. 

At any rate, after a few episodes, I had my fill of about all the mindlessness I could handle.  It's around 11PM, and I'm exhausted, no longer distracted by mindlessness or duct tape, and...I was just going to go to bed.  I mean really.  Who cares if I post every day, right?

But then I checked Facebook, and stupid Anne Lamott (whose page I "liked") posted a status which included this: "Try to get a little writing done every day--it will help you know and forgive yourself, which is why we are here. Earth is forgiveness school. What you are looking for is already inside you. "

Damn it.  Really, Anne?  Right now with the insights and reminders?  You couldn't just wait until tomorrow or Sunday to post such a thing?  Or better yet, you couldn't have said something like "try to get a little writing done every day -- except for the days that suck.  On those days, have a glass of wine, watch Zooey Deschanel be all wide-eyed and ridiculous, and go to bed"?  I mean seriously.  Really right now with the "write every day and forgive yourself" business?  Ugh.

So I got my butt in gear and I'm writing.  See, Anne?  I'm writing.  All thanks to you, I'm writing.  Anything I could possibly say right now is fit much more for a personal diary than for a public blog, so I'm not going to go there.  Given that, however, I don't have much to say other than this: I have so much to learn about this thing called life and how to do it well.  I wish I could learn that love is not and should not be contingent upon anything external  (and this includes self-love).  I wish I could learn that perfectionism just isn't fucking worth it.  I wish I could remember that perfect isn't even a real thing.  I wish I could learn to be patient with myself, and I wish I could learn to talk to myself gently, even on the bad days.  And yes, Anne, I do wish I could be more forgiving of myself.

But I'm not there tonight.  In fact, I'm really far from knowing or understanding or believing or living any of those things...but I wrote anyway.  And now, I'm going to curl up with my snoring puppy, and I'm going to turn on an episode of "New Girl" and be mindlessly entertained until I hopefully fall asleep.  It's the best I can do.  It's just going to have to be good enough. 

No comments:

Post a Comment