Day 5: Twenty-one things I wanted to say this week, but didn't

Twenty-one things I wanted to say this week, but didn't

1. Do you ever stop talking? 

2. I hate that skirts don't have pockets. When I have my period and need to walk to the bathroom, I either need to bring my purse (which screams SHE NEEDS HER TAMPONS!) or hide the tampon somewhere on my person.  It's fucking awkward.

3. It wounds my heart that someone would hurt you and your beautiful child so deeply. I have a collection of sores in my soul from stories like yours, and they never seem to scab over.  Your daughter deserves every happiness this life has to offer. 

4. My soul loves this world.  It is completely irrational, but I don't know how not to love with my whole self.  It's why things hurt so deeply.  I both love and hate this part of me.

5. You don't know me.  I am not your friend. 

6. Animal cruelty makes me feel like I'm going to vomit.  I know I am telling you that I am not judging your son, but the fact that he cut your goldfish into pieces with scissors makes me want to flee the room, just to find some air.

7. My idea was brilliant.  I'm sorry you're too self-absorbed to see that. 

8. What gives you the right to comment on my body?  I had to try on 3 outfits today, just to get out the door; I finally decide on one I can live with, and you comment on the size of my calves?  I fought back tears of insecurity and voicelessness in the bathroom.  I give you more power than you deserve.

9. I love you.  Not romantically...just with my heart.  It makes me feel alive.

10. Stop acting like you fix computers.  You sit at your desk and Google stuff.  You have no one fooled.

11. I know your son was suspended because of racism.  I know his services are not what they should be because of racism.  I know no one is taking you seriously because of racism.  I know they are writing you off because they think you are uneducated.  I can't tell you this, but I see it.  I can't fix it, but I'm going to try to make it right.  Hang on a bit longer.  I got you. 

12. I don't know how to be kind to myself without panicking.  There are no words to describe the depth of the panic this causes.  I don't expect you to understand.  But I wish you could.

13. I'm sorry we lost session time because your kid pooped.  I'm still not entirely sure what you wanted me to do differently; he needed his diaper changed. Next time, I'll remember to sprinkle some anti-poop powder in the room before you arrive. 

14. That's not what I said and you know it.  You know I don't play that way.  Get it together.

15. Your child's diagnosis is not a death sentence.  He is a beautiful, whole, and perfect being, even when he bugs the everloving shit out of you.  Don't write him off.  Look in his eyes.  I know he can't say it, but he needs you to love him.  He's 4.  Don't give up on him yet.

16. I'm sorry.  I'm learning.  Can we try again?

17. My brain exhausts me.  Is it this much work being you?

18. I don't feel much like a grown-up today.

19. I don't care what you do with the ashes of our dead relative that you found in grandfather's closet. 

20. I have secrets.  Can I trust you?

21. Did I mention that I love you?  I do.