I feel like I haven't really posted this week. Which, in all honesty, is probably because I haven't. This posting every day business gets hard when migraines get involved. I've been putting off writing tonight, even though it's probably what I need. I feel like a kid who doesn't want to take her medicine, claiming it will taste gross, so she cries and whines and screams about it, all the while knowing it probably tastes like grape candy and not that bad at all. And, in fact, it DOES taste like grape candy, with a little odd taste with it that is not entirely good, but definitely not bad enough to throw a fit over. My head still hurts with the tail end of this Migraine-From-Hell (this stupid migraine is acting like it moved into my brain and owns the place), and I have a bunch of things on my mind with no logical way of tying them together, so I'll make a list. It's a compromise: I'll take a LITTLE of the grape medicine, okay? Just a LITTLE bit of it.
1) Thank goodness it's Friday, right? My plan is to do as little as possible this weekend, while still getting a bunch done. I think I need to tweak some space-time continuum in order for this to happen. If I succeed, I'll let you know.
2) Speaking of tweaking, a client's mother used the word "twerking" in therapy the other day in reference to her preschool age daughter. I totally lost my cool, calm, therapist composure. I'm lucky I have a really good relationship with this mother, because I was completely unprepared for a twerking reference in session. This actually isn't related to tweaking at all, but it was the only logical segue I could generate, and I find continuity in a post to be important.
3) Know what else is really important? (Note the transition there). Hugs are important. Yesterday was a particularly rough day...so much so that I was grumpy at the end of it. It takes a lot for me to be grumpy, but I was grumpy. But...then I went to choir practice, and I made music that didn't entirely please our director, but was beautiful nonetheless. I felt like I was a small part of something intricately complicated and necessary, in a completely simple and unnecessary way...because that's it, isn't it? Music is so simple -- it is just a series of notes strung together to make something that is not vital to our daily functioning. And yet, we are voices coming together reading a series of dots and squiggles, and we are voices from so many places and ages and histories, and we are singing different pitches and different notes -- or the same notes, even -- and that art is vital to us, and our histories, and our societies, and our world. Those vibrations, those breaths, those shared moments...they're just necessary, not for any reason, but just because they are.
But anyway, I went to choir and was ready to leave when I was offered a hug. It's funny how you don't know you need things until they happen, but I needed that hug. It's amazing when that happens. It's amazing how things can change when you open yourself to being in community. It's one of the hardest things for me to do, and it's a daily struggle, but it's just necessary. I'd venture to say that hugs are necessary, too.
4) I'm struggling and conflicted tonight with a complicated issue I may be making unnecessarily complicated. Life would be so much easier if I could have a "reality check" sensor in my brain that would go off every time I started overthinking something or thinking illogically. Wouldn't that be awesome? Your thoughts start to go a little off-course and a little alarm goes off saying, "Overthinking alert! Overthinking alert! Rein it in. Rein it in."
I don't like feeling like I can't do something. It makes me obstinate, which is not one of my more flattering qualities, although it makes me work well with the really strong-willed kiddos. Why? Because I totally get the concept of sticking to my guns, digging my heels in, and refusing to budge. I can wait. No worries. Even with the kid who took 55 minutes to comply with "sit in the chair" so she could watch her favorite movie. I can do 55 minutes of "it's time to sit in the chair." I can work for 55 minutes on "If you want to watch Doc McStuffins, you need to sit in the chair." I do that sort of battle with my brain all the time.
Sometimes, though, I think it's best just to let it go, right? Sometimes, it's best just to accept that the path has brought you to this point now, and that the best decision is simply to move forward.
But...what if you just don't want to sit in the chair? Even if you know that sitting in the chair is easier? Even if you know that sitting in the chair will feel better in the short term? Even if you know that it really doesn't make THAT much difference if you sit in the chair or if you stand? Sitting in the chair would be the path of least resistance. Standing, though, that's going to take guts. I don't know if I have the chutzpah, quite honestly, and I'm not sure I want to find out...but I just don't want to sit in the damn chair.
5) Remember this post where I said that we don't owe people our stories? I forgot that today, and I'm regretting it. I know it will be okay, but here's a reminder for you: we don't owe people our stories. It's a privilege when we tell others our stories, and it is not their right. Don't you forget that.
Know what? The medicine wasn't all that bad. It stung just a little bit, but it was kinda sweet. Strawberry flavored. And I already feel better for having taken it.
I knew I agreed to write every day for a reason.